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| It's been such a stretch of time since I have been inclined to share myself, in a combination of different ways - especially through my writing. I have been picking my brain over the idea of why this might be.
One thing that I am aware of, is that I let so much negativity consume me in such a short amount of time, that I honestly had forgotten what brought me happiness. In saying that, I suppose I was consumed with this emptiness that engulfed my own personal sanctuary, being my entity. It's been far too long now that I have been going through the motions of my existence. I have been wandering aimlessly through every solitary second more recently than not, and I've finally seemed to have slowed down enough to get an insight. I can compare it to something that you might see in an indie film. Picture a Man standing on the sidewalk of a busy New York city street as traffic races by him on his left, and the face of every stranger carting along their briefcases and baggage are on a different plane of existence pushing through at the speed of light. They don't notice this person, for he's in a world that they would never have the capability of grasping. This is the life that I have been allowing myself to fall into, and I refuse to be defined. I refuse to harbor any form of hatred or resentment within the walls of my being. I refuse to be still.
There is a beautiful thing about solitude. This afternoon in my precious moment of solitude I had a decent amount of time to study the idea of life, including my own. I basked in the rays of the sun and studied every pour across the stretch of my body, and came to the realization that despite the negativity that has come over me in various ways - I still love myself, and I am completely comfortable in the skin that I am in. There was certainly a time in my life that I was unaware of what role I played in this world. I may have been scared, I may have been a lost soul. These things are no longer present to me, and doubt is a very rare thing to seem to creep up on me and inhibit itself in my thought stream. I have become self reliant, whereas before, I had an expectation.
I have enlightened myself, with the help from others to enter a realm of a combination of natural healing, one being shamanic healing. Through this healing I have gained an extensive amount of self awareness. I have been able to reverse a lot of the ailments that had at one point tied me down, or made me my own worst enemy. In my past, I was not judgmental, and I can also still say at this point that I could never judge another soul. In saying that though, I feel as though I had a certain expectation from human beings, and I couldn't seem to have that fulfilled. There is so much room to hate, and resent beings for their actions. There is so much room to beat yourself up over an incident that was really just a lesson that needed to be learned in order to find personal growth. With every individuals life, you have a choice. Lose it, use it or give it away. I have learned to value every delicate beauty that is handed to me, no matter what form it comes in.
What induces a human beings actions.. Why do people choose to live in a hell they build themselves?
I've encountered a numerous amount of weak minds in the time that I have lacked updating this personal journal. Although some may find that exhausting, as even I myself find it to be just that - I appreciate the experiences that have welcomed themselves to enter my life. Sometimes I question myself, of course, though I have come to realize that I really do grow stronger as each day passes. Through every act of cruelty, betrayal, abandonment and so fourth, I no longer blame others. I no longer blame myself. Though we are all very unique in our own ways, we are all identical in cellular content. Furthermore, we are a product of our environment. Though sometimes we fail to recognize that we are all connected to each other, we very much are. In others flaws, or malicious acts, it's not the fault of anyone. There is no good, and there is no bad - there just is. It's easy to feel negatively toward society at times, but it really comes down to the idea that there are no boundaries. Eventually, you learn to be free. That is something that I feel every creature that walks this planet strives for. That is something that I strongly believe I have stumbled upon.
Oftentimes I feel as though I'm standing in a crowd of thousands of people, and I'm completely invisible. I'm watching the faces pass me by, but they are completely unaware of my presence. There was a time that I appreciated this space that was given to me, but I feel as though it's now time to break out of this cycle and try my best to allow pieces of myself to heal others - regardless of any pain they may have caused me. Don't think that because I understand, that I care. Deep down, there's got to be a place where every human being has good intentions, they are all just lost souls themselves. Everything that I plan on doing from this point forward, I will aim for the heart. That is really all we can do, until we reach the point of being satisfied.
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| I've grown reluctant in my decision to make all previous entries private, minus of course, the one that was the starting point of something bigger than myself...I've decided that it's in my best interest to mask my past, long enough for me to forget for the time being. When I first stumbled across the concept of sharing myself publicly, I was terribly unaware that my life would change drastically in doing so. Well - I have changed, but it wasn't the fact that I was releasing all pent up emotion into the cyber web. To be completely honest, xanga, for me personally - became a portal into a dimension that I would have never in a million years imagined to have stumbled upon. It was no longer my coping, and my venting - but a connection to an idea that I became intertwined with. That idea, has single handedly consumed my entire being, and embedded itself into my thought stream. That idea was what gave me the strength that I needed at the time, to mold myself into a more exceptional individual. For every positive, there is a negative - and in this journey that I have engulfed myself with, throughout this time frame - I have come to realize that eventually, you'll more than likely come back down to earth, no matter how high up you are. I've felt as though, in the past few months, I have never felt so alive. Rather quickly, I am finding that...this "idea", that made me strive to be more than I was, is now again a void. The difference between the person that I am now, and the person that I was - is I am looking at this missing piece as a challenge, whereas before, I would become easily filled with this overwhelming sadness, that never really went away. Though I've never been so confused about something, or, never not understood something, as I do now - I am extremely grateful on numerous levels, so much so that I cannot begin to explain what I truly feel. I am convinced that I will never find something as extravagant as I have welcomed into my life, in the past few months. I'm trying to "be okay" with that fact, but only finding it hard because on the same token, I feel as though there was this vast amount of potential that essentially wasn't exhibited. Not to the extent that it could have been. Not yet.I'm getting carried away in one of those tangents that I always seem to be dragged into. What I am trying to say....Or, what I am trying to fathom myself, rather... is that life is phenomenal. The world, is phenomenal. The things that have taken place in my life, since I established this online diary, are unmeasurable. As this has once been my means of airing my frustrations, it is now merely a memory to me. I do now, feel tired, older, colder, and wiser. It's even occasional that I will fall into a sense of darkness, in which I become numb. I feel like, though I am such a firm believer in fate...I can't help but to wonder why things have carried on the way they have. I can't help but to feel grief on occasion. I am mostly optimistic, and can easily lead myself away from any said darkness, but I will admit there are times when I don't believe in anything anymore. Times like tonight - though I know, in the morning, this feeling will have dissipated. 
In ending this journal as a whole - I suppose I'll just be searching for a while. I'll be taking "baby steps" in any given direction until I hit something that finally feels right, and never stops.
Step 1: Form a bond with a rock. A rock will never leave you. A rock will never start an argument with you, or neglect your feelings. A rock will always listen. Etc. (As someone extremely important once explained to me.)
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| For the astronomical number of changes that have been manifesting in my life, in such a condensed period of time, I feel as though I shouldn't find it so incredibly difficult to take the ample amount of time that I have in any given day, and allow these things to drain from within the walls of my body. I have been engrossed with this overflowing enlightenment, and emotion for quite some time now - I just find it peculiar that I have had no interest in relieving myself of these things. To be completely honest, even now, I am not particularly in the mood to rant about any given topic, and I'm not sure as to why that is.
I have never felt so cleansed, and internally pure in the extent of my existence so far, and I know that it will only become more so, in due time. I feel like, sometimes as you go through life, you allow negative presences to enter your circle, and they in turn become something of a succubus. Essentially, something of that sort happened to me a while back, I believe - but I was completely unaware. This bad energy attaches itself to you, and ties itself around you like ropes - and when you're down and don't understand why - that's probably a good indication. There were a lot of things that I was unaware of, and I had a number of powerful reality checks, if you will. It's phenomenal, the changes that can occur in ones life once you no longer enslave yourself. Despite my 'flawed' gene's, that I've carried with me all my life - I have never felt more mentally, and spiritually healthy as I do now, and that is saying a lot. I've found a path, and I've become incredibly in touch with myself, and my surroundings - and I couldn't be more sure that absolutely nothing is capable of bringing me down in any aspect of my life. My psyche is completely invincible.
I've been partaking in a vast amount of personal meditation more recently than not. I had been procrastinating for far too long, and finally stopped being so cluttered. I feel that, just that alone has made a distinct change in my overall daily routine. I have grown drastically calm, not to say that I wasn't previous to this ordeal - though if you know me, you are well aware of my handle on tolerance. (I have a notably abundant sum of patience, and absolutely no tolerance whatsoever.) That has shifted, in the sense that I can breathe now, and at least try to be rational, whereas before, I would more than likely crumble into a million tiny pieces. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments... But I will say, I can feel a change in myself. Wooosahh.
I have a lot of plans coming up in the very near future. My mind is ticking away. I have hundreds of pieces of paper scattered around my house with notes of things that are tasks, or goals, or projects that I'm planning on consuming myself with. I'm not going to share them with you though, cyber friends. You'll probably hear about it all eventually, anyways. What I can say, is that although due to an idea that I have been sitting on, that I may undoubtedly have "false awakening", once I actually can manage to crash...which very may well can be attributed to something along the lines of "delayed sleep phase syndrome", (If and when) my body will allow me to slumber, I decided that I am going to go apply at Goodwill tomorrow - and I am actually really hoping that they are still looking for help. I was thinking about the way the world is, and all the terrible corporate companies, and how wonderful it would feel to be able to work for a non-profit organization. To not be a part of the money hungry societal robot monsters. That's something that I would really enjoy. Furthermore, I've been drowning my being in:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/weareoverlooked?ref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Love146/20603236087?ref=ts
It's been almost exactly a year since I have stumbled upon love146, and I'd say probably about the same goes for Overlooked. They've always tugged at my heart strings, but like I said earlier - I guess I sort of lost my way. I got lost in the confusion, amongst a mess of other things. I'm glad to be able to support something that I believe in again. I don't have any leeches dangling off my flesh anymore. It feels, nice.
It's just about 4:30 a.m. I really shouldn't be in this realm right now. I'm hoping that I'll find that I have some undying urge to write some sort of....something, sometime soon. But if I don't, just know that I'm wandering.
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| You can't build a sturdy home on a broken foundation but apparently that was something that I was terribly unaware of. It's beyond all reason how very volatile the most precious things in life can be. Home does not necessarily mean that it is a house per say, and doesn't always consist of framework, support, and shape... it can resemble that of a human body in which it is called a skeleton... A home can be anything you want it to be, as long as it is a place that your heart feels it is most safe. On the same token, I was slow to grasp the concept that it could just as quickly begin to feel like an unsafe place that one would no longer feel comfortable in, stripping it of all it's value. "Home" to me, is sacred. The word alone holds the deepest meaning, for I have found it a struggle to find such a thing, but when I have - I have cherished every moment of it. When it comes to finding home within another individual, for one, you can effortlessly compare it to that of a building. With a relationship, you must put an ample amount of care into it, or face the consequences of it falling apart. A structure, for example..Without reinforcing the structure, the floors and roof have a major possibility of sagging, and God forbid - the house may collapse. So you see - when you are lucky enough to find that home, don't leave it on the shelf, and watch it wilt away. It's a precious plant, really. It's a beautiful thing, being able to find home, and it is something that is worth treasuring, but I suddenly grew to accept the fact that a person that I once considered home, is another stranger on the sidewalk to me now. I want to be sad about it, deep down - but I physically am unable to feel an ounce of anything. I am hollow like a drum. Considering the situation at hand, and the fact that I envisioned myself walking down the center isle of the funeral of the one that I once called my soul mate, you'd think that I would be able to shed a single tear. My heart is extremely heavy, yes - but it's only weighing me down inside. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually - I am just numb. I am blind to any pain that I feel should reside within the walls of my being, and I'm not sure if I should try to dig deeper, to understand why I'm such a blank canvas - but I'm honestly not sure if there's anything to find.
Most people live in the shadows of those who are controlling them without their knowledge. Others will force themselves on you, using you as a crutch. Why are all of these things so necessary, when we are all going to vacate our bodies? These societal robots, become money hungry or driven by being in power of those who are weaker than you. Does that really make any sense? To spend your life being a miserable drone, when there is an entire world for you to sink your bare feet into. We are obviously in this world for a purpose. We were not placed here individually to morph into a giant cluster fuck of one controlling idea, but that is what everyone seems to grasp on to. I've been burying my mind in these things, wondering why there are some people that have this undying urge to be in control of others, or manipulate others, or break them down into nothing. I have felt it upon myself in particular - but personally, it only makes me stronger. It's just something that I can't wrap my mind around. What makes it particularly more sad, than not, is that the one that I have been feeling these things from just so happens to be the one that I once sought out as my safe haven. I guess the difference is, regardless of the pain intended being inflicted upon me, I still feel responsible for saving a life. Regardless of my lack of emotion, I am not about to let someone who I once held in the highest regard waste away to nothing, no matter what they do to me.Because of being impacted by events such as these, I feel as though this is what has made me value my privacy so much. Since I have improved my entire being, although I am constantly doing so... I feel as though I just like being able to move freely, and I don't want anything to hinder me from exploring the world. I do consider myself fearless. It's not as though I am scared to plant my feet into the earth, and allow myself to connect to another single individual again in this sense, in fear of falling into another sad story, if that's what one would call it. In fact, I probably have more emotion than any single individual that I've come across, too - so I can tell you that I'm not always numb either. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I am just extremely comfortable with myself. I'd like to explain more, or even really make sense in my writing - but because I am so very detached, I'm afraid I can hardly manage to put words in a sentence properly. Goodnight world. | | |
| It's funny, in a sad and pathetic sort of way - that sometimes...The people who you thought would always be constants, and played a crucial role in your lives can turn into something you thought you could never see in them. They become estranged, and ugly inside, and at one point you would give your life for them. It's wild how that becomes possible. It's unfortunate that things ever have to come to this. If you're wondering, I haven't lost my hope in humanity. Please, keep pushing me. You're only making me stronger.
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